by motivational speaker, Kelly Swanson
Wake up, snow.
Homeschool canceled. It’s only right.
Son jumping up and down and yelling that this is the best day ever.
Mom and Dad jumping up and down yelling that this is the best day ever.
Cookies for breakfast. It is snow day after all. …
Mom goes to work on speech for women’s health event.
Husband wraps son in fifteen layers of waterproof weather stripping thermal insulated bodysuit that will protect son in sub-zero temperatures for forty-days. Survivalist husband has been waiting for this moment all his life. Current temperature: 40 degrees. Son has to go pee.
Neighborhood kids squealing and jumping in the snow. Snow day. Best day since Christmas. On this day there is no judgment, no “you’re too young to play with us” no “my mommy can beat up your mommy.” It’s snow day. Unity rules.
Hard to find my son in the snow. Note to self: Introduce him to self-tanner. It’s only right.
Kids squealing. Mommy sipping coffee and counting inventory. Books on shelf: 450. Books sold: 2. Note to self: Book must suck.
Front door slams open. Hysterical crying. Sure some kid has lost a limb. Hope it’s not mine. Good-bye servant’s heart, it’s every man for himself.
No blood. All body parts in place.
Calm down, son, and tell us what’s wrong.
Snow……………ball…………in…………ear…………
Dad to rescue – pulls out emergency survival kit number 27, located on shelf six between box of tourniquets and forty-seven gallons of bottled water…..just in case. Thirty seconds start to finish – medical unit now set up in foyer with sixty-eight feet of gauze, drop down light and handheld stitching kit. Theme from Mash plays in my head. Husband has been waiting for this moment since survival podcast number 378.
Mom tells Dad he’s over-reacting. Mom has been waiting for this moment since he told her the same thing back in 2006 when she wanted to pump toddler’s stomach because he ate a bug.
Son still crying. Ego hurts more than his ear. Wasn’t just one snowball, but two – rapid succession – aimed at my precious one’s ear. Now how will he hear me yelling?
Mamma bear is not happy. Nostrils flare. Somebody has hurt her boy. She’s going to go out there and take action. But first she has to wash off her lime green face mask and put on a bra. Let the punishment fit the crime.
Husband tells wife she’s over-reacting. Let it go. Boys will be boys. It’s snow day after all.
Mom agrees. Like always.
Okay, like never.
Husband finishes surgery and repackages son for another round while Mom sneaks out back to “check on the flowers”. Mom hasn’t planted a flower since 1976 for a science fair project.
Mom finds boys huddled up – coordinating alibis. Mom gives them lecture on diversity, loving your neighbor, and how God is watching and hell is hot.
Mom pauses for effect.
Mom gets snowball in face. Twice.
Mom starts screaming at boys out in front yard. Curtains shift in windows across the street.
Husband drags mom back in house.
Husband gives wife lecture on diversity, loving your neighbor, and showed her video where she’s already posted on YouTube wearing her rape-prevention pajamas and obviously the wrong bra for the occasion.
Mom horrified.
Until she sees it’s gotten 2,000 hits.
She is a speaker after all.
Kids squealing happily in front yard. All is forgotten. Unity rules again.
Ah. Snow day.
